If you are dealing with a difficult, behavior defiant teenager, life at home can be stressful and frustrating. Without a doubt, you have your hands full. Defiant children and teenagers require a relentless parent who loves them enough to consistently work through the issues that are causing stress in the family. But what do you do when you just do not know what to do? My answer to that is learn...seek out help...find solutions. That is your job as a parent; to work through things until it gets better.
Although what you may be going through may require you to learn new tips, techniques or ideas for making a significant change in their behavior, there are still a few things you can start with today. Every bit of effort you put in to your child is worth it. Try some of what I share today, but continue to educate yourself on what to do in different situations. There is always help to be found. Here is one change to begin with that will have a positive impact right away: Stop arguing with your child.
This may sound impossible to do because you have a child who argues with you about everything and anything, all of the time. But it is not. It is simply a choice. Choose not to argue.
The first step is to be sure to do is to control yourself. This includes your words, actions and attitude. Model the behavior you expect from them. If you do not do this, arguments or even conversations will get out of control with your teenager. They are going to push you to try to get a reaction out of you. By controlling yourself, they will not get that reaction. Another thing to consider is that arguing with your teen is teaching them that it is okay to do so themselves. If you simply avoid arguing, they are going to learn to avoid it as well. The result will be that you are helping them learn different ways of dealing with a situation besides quarrelling.
The best thing to remember is that you cannot control the actions of your teenager, but you CAN control you. And by controlling yourself, you will be a powerful example of how to deal with anger or frustration in a positive way. Children learn more by watching, than be listening. Hence, you need to live according to what you say. Model the behavior you expect out of them.
The next step will be to listen to them. When they are trying to start an argument, give them your undivided attention. Hear everything they have to say. Listen intently. This will speak volumes to them. You are showing them respect by giving them your full attention. It shows them that you do indeed care about how they feel and what they want to say, even if you do not agree with it. When they are done, simply use their name, restate what they said, use the word "AND" then tell them your answer. End of conversation. It is at that point you can excuse yourself from the conversation and walk away. No anger or arguing or emotional outburst came out of you. However, your child was listened too with respect, and then given your answer.
It is simple in theory, but will take a commitment on your part to follow through. You can do this. Try it for a while and note the changes you see in yourself, your child and the general atmosphere of the household.
Tina is a happily married WAHM of 4 boys, a freelance writer and advocate for families and parents. She enjoys seeing stressed out parents and broken relationships put back together. All children need their parents, whether they know it or not. And all parents can grow in their parenting skills, just as their children grow in their ability to challenge them.
Family life is great, and if things are difficult and unhappy at home, then you must find the help you need to restore things once again. Your family can be happy, but it may take some work to get there.
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