Do you have a child who is as normal as can be and sweet as pie one minute, but the moment you say they can't have something they have an over the top explosion? As a former nanny here's my two cents on how to help children who have such volcano like behavior eruptions. During the outburst try to remain as calm as possible. Keep to your no and don't negotiate. If you don't, you're setting yourself up for further flare-ups and more negotiations. Let's face it when your child grows up and his or her boss says the work at hand needs to be done by tomorrow, flying off the handle to the boss will not solve the problem. Nor will the boss want to negotiate. I believe a child's young life is practice for the real world. As a parent it is your job to make sure your child is as best prepared for it as possible.
Now back to the topic at hand. If your child has frequent outbursts about certain things, such as, every time you go the grocery store they scream they NEED gum, you have two choices. Go to the grocery store at a time when you don't have to take your child or stick to your no they can't have gum. A child will only push and push if they know there's a chance you will give in. Or give them something else. Let's visit a different situation. Your child wants to stay at a friend's house when it time to go home. You say no it's time to go home and have dinner. Your child vehemently disagrees with a loud, "BUT I WANT TO STAY!" You can try to reason up the kazoo with your child about how it's not polite to overstay a visit. But let's face it, your child doesn't care. He or she only cares about staying. And be sensible, you're not reasoning with an adult your dealing with a child. Children are not mini-adults. That's why they're called kids. I have found some parents like to reason "to" their child about a situation because it makes them, the adult, feel better. But this is not about you; it's about your child.
If your child frequently has outbursts about coming home from a play date, or some other similar situation, instead of complaining about it and driving yourself crazy, just stop having play dates for awhile. Explain to your child why. You should do this at a time when they aren't upset. If they start yelling or hitting you because of this, you can tell them this is why you're doing it. Having outbursts which are motivated purely for manipulative purposes should not be tolerated. It won't be when they are adults. You can tell them in a month you can revisit the situation if they are willing to come home without a fuss. If they have a fuss again, do not bribe them to stop the behavior. Do not reward unacceptable behavior. Unless you want it to continue. Bottom line be firm about your decisions. And make sure your spouse is on track with you. And backs you up. Do not undermine each other.
Now, there are times when a child has a right to be upset. Such as all week they're looking forward to having a friend come over and the friend can't come. If your child starts screaming and having a tantrum, remain calm. You can soothe them, but in life they can't have everything they want. Remember children mimic the adults they are around. Do you totally lose it when a friend suddenly can't play tennis with you or when you lose a client? If your child sees such reactions from you they will think having such outbursts are normal. If you don't want certain behavior from your child don't have it yourself.
I'll be honest, most children I've seen who have completely out of control tantrums it's not their first time having one. The key is to be prepared. When your child is having a melt down long winded reasoning or pleading with them about the situation can be like pouring oil on a fire. It won't help. So why do it? You're just stressing how bad the situation is. Like I mentioned, being prepared is the key. If you know your child has outbursts pick a relaxing time to talk to him or her about it. Share ways he or she can harness their rage. Feeling upset is okay, but having physical outbursts is not okay. Simplistic ways for moderate outbursts can be: Counting backwards with your child, saying the alphabet in a funny rhyme, learning how to breathe deeply from the chest and slowly exhaling 10 times. The focus here is to take the mind off the outburst. Having a game plan before the outburst occurs is really what it's about. But remember if your child has been having serious outbursts for some time, it will take time to change their behavior. It takes time to rewire already patterned behavior. But it's worth doing. For your child. And for their future in society.
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