Parents of Strong-Willed, Out of Control Children Have to Take Extra Good Care of Themselves

Parents with strong-willed, out of control teens need to take care of themselves in ways they wouldn't have to if their child were not so "energy-draining."

Here's the 20-point Holy Grail for taking care of yourself emotionally:

1. Mentally go beyond the problem and project yourself to a future time where the problem could not possibly matter anymore.

2. Develop a part of you that serves as an impartial and dispassionate observer of your out-of-control kid, regardless of circumstance.

3. Visualize your out-of-control daughter as a mother going through her own parent-child conflict. Visualize your out-of-control son as a father having to deal with HIS verbally abusive son.

4. When you resist (e.g., struggle with, try to change) your difficult kid, it's usually you that breaks. As soon as you accept the situation for what it is, you can begin to access your resources and act constructively to influence his/her behavior.

5. Somewhere in this difficult experience is an opportunity.

6. What you learn from dealing with the difficult kid will make you stronger and help you in many other areas of your life.

7. Experiment with different parenting strategies. Try novel approaches. Do the last thing you would ever think to do first!

8. Know that anything is possible.

9. YOUR KID IS A WORK IN PROGRESS.

10. THE OPPOSITE OF ANGER IS PATIENCE.

11. Just think for a moment about how old you are, and about all you've been through.

12. All things work together for good. It's likely that something wonderful is emerging from your current difficult kid-situation -- and that you haven't seen it yet.

13. YOUR MOST DIFFICULT PEOPLE ARE YOUR GREATEST TEACHERS.

14. YOUR MOST DIFFICULT SITUATIONS STRENGTHEN YOU.

15. THE LESS YOU TRY TO CONTROL OTHERS, THE MORE CONTROL YOU GET.

16. RATHER THAN FOCUSING ON WHAT YOU DON'T WANT AND WHAT IS GOING WRONG, FOCUS ON WHAT YOU DO WANT AND WHAT IS GOING RIGHT.

17. RATHER THAN FOCUSING ON HOW YOU ARE BEING MISTREATED, FOCUS ON HOW YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

18. Let Go of Resentment.

19. In order to let go of resentment, we must first forgive!

Forgiveness:

· Is a way to let go of resentment.

· Means letting go of the past.

· Is for you, not the out-of-control child you forgive.

· Is a gift you give yourself.

· Lets you get on with your life.

· Takes time. Maybe you're not able to forgive yet. Perhaps the pain is too fresh. You don't have to hurry.

· Is a process. It doesn't happen 100% overnight.

· Allows you to feel better about you.

· Is a choice. It's not something you do because you "should" forgive, or because someone tells you to.

· Allows you to heal old wounds so you can get on with the really important things in life.

· Gets you un-stuck.

Forgiveness does NOT mean:

· Forgetting. You need to remember what happened so you can protect yourself.

· You're letting anyone off the hook (except yourself).

· You have to tell the out-of-control child that you have forgiven him/her.

· You have to trust your out-of-control child again. Trust is earned. He/she will have to earn your trust back before you can trust him/her again.

· You're saying to the out-of-control child, "What you did to me is "OK."

· You're trying to alleviate his/her feelings of guilt.

· You're trying to make that out-of-control child feel better about himself/herself.

· You're trying to make the out-of-control child feel better about you.

20. You may need to forgive yourself too. Sometimes we can't forgive others until we forgive ourselves.

If you are the parent of a strong-willed, out of control child, then you -- by definition -- are in a near-constant state of stress. Use the steps above to avoid the burn-and-crash trap.